I don't want to give a falsification as far as the difficulties I've encountered through this craziness the past couple of months. Sometimes I think some feel like I quit my full time job, got rid of my apartment, moved across the country, and everything was as perfect as can be. Let me assure you, that is far from the truth. The truth is I had an extreme breakdown while on the phone with my parents one night in the midst of all of this. I've never had a nervous breakdown and never really had anxiety, but in that moment I'm pretty sure I was displaying signs of all of the above.
Truthfully, I simply try to stay as positive as possible in difficult situations. Almost to a fault. Thinking of all the ways something can go wrong is not my forte. Thankfully, I have parents who knock me back down to earth when my head gets clouded with visions that are too big for me. It has not been easy.
I moved across the country after quitting my job (that I was extremely unhappy at), finding a subleaser for my apartment (that I was paying way too much for on a salary that was not able to support living in the Chicago suburbs), and moved across the country on the little bit of savings I had... hoping for something better. Hoping to 'live the dream' and find whatever it is I'm looking for. I think I'm on my way.
I love living in Colorado. I've lived here for about a month and I still don't get sick of walking outside and seeing the mountains. Knowing all the possibilities they hold. Something in my mind, instilled by my Grandma and Grandpa, just makes me feel at home when I see the mountains. But as I said, it has not been easy.
I'm staying in my friend's spare bedroom, for the time being. Half of my things are still in the back of my car. The other half are half-heartedly strung throughout this room so I feel at least a little sense of home. For the first 3 weeks I was sleeping on a twin size air mattress. I'm happy to report I've upgraded to a double high queen size air mattress. I don't see myself on a real mattress in the foreseeable future. I did find a more stable place to live, for the time being. I move into a condo on Monday, but the lease only goes until July 1st. Where I live after that? Still up in the air.
I got offered a full time job. With a a great company. But the position was far from what I went to school for. Ultimately, I turned down the opportunity to begin, what I hope to be a long, career at a company I've wanted to work at for years. I start on Tuesday on a part time basis. I turned down the security of a full time job with benefits to do what truly makes me happy. What is best for me, I believe, in the long run. In the mean time, I'll search for a part time serving job to make ends meet. Student loans aren't forgiving, come to find out. And the reality of that is a hard one to take. When all is said and done, I will be working around 50-60 hours a week.
Friends, 'living the dream' takes a lot of work. It takes a lot of sacrifice. If you are unhappy, change it. It won't be easy. It will be hard, and stressful. It will test your patience and sometimes you will feel like everything is falling apart.
It is. Everything will fall apart. And you have to put it back together. But don't complain about the circumstances you are in until you are willing to change them yourself. You are the only one who can. Do any of you truly think that my 'dream' involves waiting tables again? I don't. But if that's what it takes to give me the dream I've always wanted, then so be it. At the end of the day, and your life, the person you have to answer to is yourself. Do you want to look in the mirror at the end of your life or look your kids in their eyes and say you followed the rules? Or do you want to say you followed your dream?
I can assure you that your dream will pay you back ten fold. You just have to let go of your comforts and be willing to take a chance. Everyone has to save their own soul.
And if you need a little push in doing what you love.. check out this movie on Netflix.
180 Degrees South: Conquerors of the Useless
Totally. Relate. Except I somehow ended up back in Chillicothe temporarily but I think it has a part in this convoluted dream-following path of mine. And air mattresses are just as comfy as real ones, and even better because you can pick the whole thing up to tuck the sheets under. And if you keep the twin one, it makes for a very luxurious experience if you end up living in a tent.
ReplyDeleteYou know, I'm so surprised with how comfy this mattress is! I already had a mattress pad from my real bed, so I brought that along with a down mattress pad too. Double the padding=awesome sleep. :)
DeleteDream-following can be a pain in the ass, but it's so fun for the whole ride. I can't wait to hear (and read!) where your crazy journey takes you (and that adorable fiance of yours) next.
Oh also! Anna I think you would LOVE that movie I referenced. There's a lot of underlying environmentalism and preserving Patagonia as a natural habitat. It is such an awesome and inspiring movie. I loved it.
Deleteit's on my instant queue!
DeleteI really appreciate this entry today. It was like a sermon for me, something I really needed to be reminded of as I bumble through a part of my life wherein I sometimes look to the sky and just ask "why?"
ReplyDeleteYou are doing all the exact right things for NICKY and it is paying off and it will continue to pay off. I am impressed with you and 100% inspired. That is all.
Lady, I feel for you. I've only been unemployed for a month and I'm wiggling in my seat. I've held a job and had stuff going on outside school since I was 16. YOU inspire ME for keeping your head up as much as you do. I'm sorry that the jobs aren't coming your way. Hopefully with a new school year on the horizon, more people will realize what you will bring to the table above anyone else.
DeleteAlso, if you want to be inspired, absolutely check out that movie. For real. It's got an environmental twist to it too. I adore it.