If you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you. --Eat Pray Love
I finally broke down and watched Eat Pray Love. Everyone had ranted and raved over it and yes- it's just as good as everyone has said. I think I was a little more engrossed in the story line because I related to it so well. The basis, for those who haven't seen it or don't know what I'm talking about, is a woman who goes through a divorce and is moved by her love to travel. She visits all of these exotic places. Alone. She just takes off on a soul mission and just lives it. For those of you who haven't talked to me lately, this may come as a surprise to you- I've become very gypsy (in a good way) and hippy like. That's for another post. But that is my mindset. I feel very free. That's a great way to put it. And how did this all happen? Well, folks, that's where the length of this post comes in.
I made up my mind to move to Florida 2 weeks before I did it. Peoria held nothing for me anymore. My family is there, don't get me wrong. But it just felt empty. Friends who I had relied on for years had better things to do on my birthday than come see me before I left to move 1,200 miles away with little idea as to the time period it would be before I saw them again. The same old routine was waiting for me if I took the absolutely amazing door opening internship opportunity I was offered. I would work my ass off at my internship, hope I would get some inside access to big companies in Peoria and get no pay, so I would have no choice but to work nights at Longhorn. Again. When I really thought about it I felt like I was going backwards in life. There's a lot to this big world and the thought of not seeing all of it is sometimes too much for me to handle. There is so much beauty, so many people, so many experiences- and Peoria had exhausted all of the above for me in my mind. Peoria/Chillicothe still holds a very close place in my heart. My absolutely amazing family is (mostly) all there and I will always go back to them. But some of my very best friends are no longer there. And that's a big part of who I am; they are very much part of my family. So it's weird to think about going back home and not seeing them. It makes it feel not so much like home anymore. Which brings me to my next thought I've had the past couple of months.
Home is a foreign concept to me since I moved out of my parent's house. All of my stuff is in storage. In Florida I have pictures and clothes and Max. That's about it. Going home is now staying in the guest bedroom and making sure I leave it (somewhat) immaculate when I leave. It's not my room anymore. I can't just leave my things all over the place. I feel the need to call and make sure that it's okay if I come back for a few days. It's all a very new concept for me and something I've been working through in my time in Florida.
My time here has been used for a lot of that- reflection. I moved down here only knowing my roommates. They're great, don't get me wrong, but my roomskies are dating each other. And at the end of the day it's painstakingly clear that I'm alone. That's not a bad thing. When I first moved here it was. I was depressed and doubted my decision to move to a place where I knew no one. I went to work and came home to spend more time alone. I would go to the beach with just myself. A lot of times I was self conscious so I would take Max. If there's anything I've learned- if you have a dog with you, you don't look so lame. :) After awhile, though, I decided I needed to get over it. I needed to learn to embrace this for what it was: an adventure. And since then- I've loved every second of it. I'm open to new experiences and I feel like a new person. I am so open that I could pile every experience in the world into myself and still want more. I want to travel. I want to talk to people. I want to learn from people. I want to experience new cultures. Ladies and gentleman, I've been bit by the travel bug. But it's more than that.
I've become extremely proud of myself. I moved to a place where I knew no one and have made the best of it. I take the negativity and turn it completely around. Old disputes are far behind me (even though they're totally still entertaining to talk about) and past upsets I've held inside are almost gone. I'm working through that still.
I think everyone needs an experience like this. To be completely and utterly alone. To rely on no one but yourself. In the end- YOU are the only person you can count on. You control your thoughts, your actions, your love. You cannot control anyone else's. Once you're at peace with your own thoughts, your own actions, your own love- then you can accept other's. I used to be surrounded by people every single day. I needed to feel wanted and at home. Every human has that undying need for affection. Now, though, I'm okay if I don't have it. I'm okay sitting at home on a Friday night and reflecting on everything in my life that has gone haywire to bring me this moment. There is so much of my life still left and to wish away 8 months of my life is something most people don't have the pleasure(?) to do.
So I'm here. In all of this. Completely absorbing all that is around me. From people to surroundings to the rain falling outside- every piece of it. Because if you can't absorb every piece of life that is handed to you, what can you take away from this life?
