"The size of your success is measured by the strength of your desire; the size of your dream; and how you handle disappointment along the way"

--Robert Kiyosaki

I didn't get the Disney internship. I'm disappointed. Disappointed that I didn't get it. Disappointed that I won't get the experience. Disappointed that I wasn't good enough. Most of all I'm disappointed that when I got the e-mail I thought, "That doesn't surprise me."

I've never had a lot of self esteem. Mostly about my appearance. My personality, however, I'm proud of. For some reason it really bothers me that I can't seem to shake the nagging thought that I'm not surprised I didn't get the Disney internship. Why don't I think I'm good enough? Why COULDN'T I work there? What did all the other applicants have that I didn't?

I had an interview again with Vail Resort but it turned out to be a wash. They didn't have any internships open for PR or really anything like it. I didn't even get offered an interview for the Maui Jim internship I applied for. All of these rejections are making me think I'm not good enough. There's been very few jobs I've applied for and haven't gotten. I do have a good personality and I know that. I've been told a lot that I interview really well. So why can't I get these internships?

My last internship before I decide to look for places at home is St. Jude. Honestly, if I don't even get an interview with St. Jude I'll be crushed. I don't know what I'll do. It will be such a huge blow to my confidence. The only thing that kept me from being beyond disappointed that I didn't get the Disney internship is that I had finally decided that St. Jude is where my heart is. Crushed. That's all I can say if I don't get it.

So now I wait. I've applied for a PR internship with Red Cross at home but haven't heard anything else. I'm going to look at other places as well.

Can someone just hand me one?

"To lead people, walk beside them.. as for the best leaders, the people do not notice their existence." --Lao Tzu

So I had an old blog. And sometimes I posted some interesting things on there. Recently I've been asked a lot about leadership. Come to find out... that's what employers want to know. So I write about it in my cover letters. I explain it in interviews. And then I re-evaluate my answers in my head. I wrote something in the midst of my Colleges Against Cancer experience as a President. Truly, one of the most educational experiences I've ever had in my life. No class could ever teach me what I learned leading CAC. The backstabbing, the laziness, the amazing people I worked with, the learning experiences... definitely priceless and probably the most educational aspect of my entire time at Iowa State.

So here's an excerpt from my old blog. It's exactly how I feel leadership should be.

"Leadership." It's an interesting topic. Something so many people are scared to try and many others have a natural knack for it. My leadership skills have been tested to the brim in the past few months. I took the president position with Colleges Against Cancer with a lot of doubt in myself. I was worried I'd disappoint people or I wouldn't have the right attitude. I was partly right. I didn't have the right attitude about myself. Leading people is one of the toughest jobs there is, I'm sure of that now. Balancing friendship with sternness is a fine line. A fine line that you dance on constantly. As annoyed as I may get with some people's work ethic, I must take a step back and really look at how I'm going to handle the situation. That alone has helped me in not just my leadership skills, but also in my personal life. It's taught me that no matter how fuming I may be at a point in time, I need to step back and just breathe. But what it is a good leader? I feel like that question gets asked in interviews a lot. How do you answer that? A leader is such a different person in various situations. A level head is for sure a characteristic that each leader needs to possess. But what else? Do they need to look the part? I'm sure that doesn't hurt anything. Do they need to be extremely stern in order to get people to do things? I don't think so. I think being a good leader is understanding that each person you meet is different. A good leader molds their leadership to each individual they work with. That way they don't have a solid platform that they expect to work for each individual person. We're all unique, we've been told that since we were kids. So why wouldn't a good leader mold themselves to each person's uniqueness. A good leader needs to be able to make decisions too. I've never been good with that, but I'm learning. I'm learning to look at all sides of the situation and assess the potential risks and benefits of the decision I'll be making. Once again, it's helped me in my personal and professional life.

I never expected taking the position in CAC would have such a drastic affect on me in so many ways. I've never done anything in my life before that has taught me as much as this has. Real world, look out. Nicky's coming!

"Time has a way of demonstrating that the most stubborn are the most intelligent" -- Yevgeny Yevtushenko

I'm a stubborn ass. I'll admit it and I'll own up to it. The more people say, "Yeah, I give you 3 days without Facebook" the more I don't want to get back on. Tell me I can't do something and I'll break my back proving you wrong. The more I succumb to my own thoughts the more I prove that stupid prodding thought wrong. As insignificant as it is.

I gave up soda. That might seem like a very silly accomplishment to be proud of and if that's the case we are clearly not as close as you'd like to believe. I'm the person who wakes up and reaches for a Diet Coke. I hop in my car with my keys, cell phone, wallet and a Diet Coke. I sip soda throughout my shift at work without blinking. And so one day... I decided I wasn't going to do that anymore. More of a personal challenge than anything. And then people told me I couldn't do it. And here we are. I imagine this is a less extreme version of what smokers feel like when they kick the habit.

I also gave up Facebook for awhile. I was tired of my relationships relying on the Internet. What happened to people calling or texting to ask how you are? Why do you have to ask to hang out with me on Facebook? I'm guilty of the previous grievances as well and that's why I stopped. It was so nice tonight to talk to a friend and get immediate responses and feel like we were actually speaking rather than having a conversation the whole world could see. It's more intimate and I miss that. I miss the privacy of being able to say whatever I wanted to a friend. I was also tired of everything being about Facebook. "Well, I wrote on your wall." "I invited you to the event!" "Did you see the picture I tagged?" I miss getting emails with pictures. I miss getting a phone call to hang out. Like I said, I'm guilty of all of that. And I will admit... it's convenient. But this is my experiment to let myself know that there is a life outside of Facebook. That my relationships can absolutely rely on the telephone and face-to-face interaction. This is all coming from the self-proclaimed Facebook addict. I'll admit it and I'm sure everyone will agree. I'm fine with that. However, once again, the more people tell me I can't do it... the less I want to go back. What was the point anyway? To share my picture? To keep in touch with the people who wrote on my wall on my birthday because Facebook told them so?

Most of the people that wrote on my wall I already talked to on a semi-regular basis. Why did I need Facebook as another medium to talk to them? We already talked enough as it was. I will say that I do miss seeing what others were up to. People who I used to be close with but am not anymore because life has taken us in different directions. Those are the reasons I will get back on Facebook. To see wedding pictures of the friends whose wedding I can't attend. To see my friends' kids grow up. Facebook, I'll hand it to you... you've got me by the balls on those aspects. Touche. So I'll go back eventually. But for now... I need a break. I'm still trying to figure out what my motivation should be to reactivate my account...

But... I'm stubborn.

“To love what you do and feel that it matters–how could anything be more fun?” ~Katherine Graham

It's been awhile since I've had a real post. I know all 2 of you that read this have been sitting on the edge of your seat refreshing my blog to read more. RIght? Don't deny it.

So, where were we? Oh. Yes. I have a solid 2 months until I'm done with college classes. But who's counting? That'd be me. So. 2 months.

In those 2 months I need to find an internship. Let's recap. Back in June/July I was offered the chance to work for Vail Resorts in Colorado. Beyond the best internship in the entire world, at least I like to tell myself. And then ISU stepped in and said, "ohhhhhhh NO. Think again." And they gave my internship high a complete burnout. Rude. So, I was back to square one. Which is nowhere, really. That led me to basically look into every possible internship out there. I stumbled on Disney Professional Internships and submitted my resume and cover letter. A little glimpse at my cover letter: "please please please please hire me I will do whatever you ask of me short of, well, nothing." Seriously. As I was writing it I just wanted to beg them to hire me. But I refrained and attempted to, eloquently, explain to them why I'm so awesome.

Flash forward: I had an interview with Disney and I think it went really well. I, once again, told them in the best manner possible why I'm awesome and avoided when they asked me why I wanted to work for Disney saying "uhh... DUH. Why WOULDN'T I?" and put my answer in the form of PR. That was early September. As you can tell by the date you're reading this... it is much later than September now. In fact, it's October. When will I know about this internship? Ohhh, maybe mid November to early December. Oy vey.

In other news, I also applied for an internship with St. Jude Children's Hospital in Memphis. It's for the volunteer services and I would be interacting with volunteers as well as patients and their families. Basically my dream job (besides Disney, they're sort of tied.) I applied for that with my resume, cover letter (don't worry, I once again had to avoid begging and explaining my undying infatuation with all that is St. Jude) and the most amazing letter of recommendation from the best staff partner at ACS ever, Amanda. With those three things I'm hoping I can at least land an interview. I won't know about that until, wait for it, mid November.

Background on myself: This is all you need to know- I'm THE most impatient person that has ever stepped foot on this planet. I'm an instant gratification kind of person. So, as I'm sure you can imagine, waiting MONTHS to hear about internships that I so badly want is basically killing me.

However, this is what I want to do. These two internships are, quite frankly, what I have worked for 23 years to accomplish. What I have worked up to for so long. I want to make people happy and I want to help people. Truthfully, I'm having difficulties deciding which of the two I want more. I've wanted to work for Disney for so many years and I want to help at St. Jude like something fierce. If I were to get offered either one it would seriously be a dream come true. All of this paragraph is coming off so cheesy, but it's because I'm so passionate about it. There are literally no words to use to explain how badly I want these positions. Almost as bad as I wish they were both stationed in Colorado.

I'm all done writing for now. I gave up Facebook so I'm going to try and keep everyone up to date on here. I have a couple of other topics I want to talk about in my head so hopefully I'll be updating again soon. Oh, I also gave up soda. It's been a productive week.