"A good friend is a connection to life - a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world" --Lois Wyse

I'm having a nostalgic kind of night. I blame it all on Megan. (http://drunkandtextual.blogspot.com/2010/06/what-happened-to-wonder-years.html) That wee little blog got me in all sorts of a tizzy. As if the quote she's talking about didn't already get me thinking about high school/the past few years following graduation, I decided to read her post, and then I decided to look at pictures from high school and the beginning years of college. It's so crazy to see the progression of people who were constantly in every single picture.. slowly fade out. It's sad. It makes me sad. But it happens. I keep telling myself that. It happens. Life happens. College happens. Distance happens. But why do these reasons have to affect how we keep in touch with each other? Recently I decided I wasn't going to let that happen with a couple of my closest girlfriends. I miss them. They know who they are and I hope they know how sincere I am when I say how much I truly do miss you.

More than those who disappear throughout the pictures is to see who is constantly there. Who's been there consistently through grade school, high school, and college. And I can't begin to explain how much of a blessing that is in every sense of the word. My college friends are great, but it's all of you that I turn to when something happens. These friends know me inside and out and when I'm upset about something, they know exactly why and when to just shut up and let me complain and when to tell me to get over it. I can't imagine where I would be without all of them that are consistently in every picture. Because they're also consistently on my mind.

My friends are my absolute rock. And I can't put into words how it feels to have some of the best people surrounding me at all times. I think that's how life is though. The most intense emotions can't be put into words easily. "I love you" or "thank you" or "my heart is broken" doesn't cover it. Those are some emotions that I think every living being should feel at least once in their life. I believe that being in love doesn't just mean with your significant other. I'm in love with every one of my friends. I can't explain what that means, and I think that's okay. Because I think that's what "love" is supposed to be. I don't think you're supposed to be able to explain it. And I don't think it's fair to try and make someone explain that. Love is every single moment, every single laugh, every single tear, every single stupid comment, every night that's spent not talking but being together. That's love. And that doesn't need to be between you and your significant other. I think that's why I'm so content being single. Because I have those moments with so many people. And you know what? I wouldn't have it any other way. Even on nights like tonight when I cave and admit I would love to be snuggled up to someone writing this post. Don't get me wrong, Max is a pretty good cuddler, but he's pretty content chewing his bone beneath my feet right now.

So yes, I admit. Having someone to cuddle up to would be nice. But I'm happy being in love with all of you. Because if I had to imagine my dream man... he would have qualities out of every single one of you. And I'm okay with that.

Yep, I'm okay with all of it.

Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies. Gene Hill

Max is such a little shit. I'll say it. That little ball of fur has wreaked havoc all over my Grandma's house. Potty pads? Not for him. Outside? Yeah right. If I place him directly on the potty pad and say, "go potty" he looks at me, sits down, and does nothing more. This persists for about 15 minutes. I finally give up. And right when I let him get off the potty pad, he squats 6 inches from the area. SERIOUSLY? He is fairly good in my apartment about doing this. But WOW, I come home and this is what I get? Geez.

Also, I chopped my hair off. And the color is awful. I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, but my hair is a big deal. I love my hair. I always change it. And I think it put its sassy pants on and said, "no more."

That's really all I have. I'm still in Illinois and listening to the thunder rumbling outside. Tornado watches and warnings all over the place. Yeesh! Time to go look at all the cool clouds.

Oh we will fight fight fight for Iowa State and may her colors ever fly!

So by now, if you're in college and live anywhere near schools in the Big 10 or Big 12, you've heard of the conference realignment. In short, for those who aren't up to date, Colorado left the Big 12. Not a huge loss to our conference, but sad nonetheless. Then Nebraska followed suit and left for the Big 10.

I don't know why this is so interesting/upsetting to me. It makes me so sad that the major reason behind both of these teams leaving the conference is largely to do with money. Nebraska is going to get a much bigger stipend from the Big 10 because of their television contract.

Where does Iowa State stand in the midst of all of this? Well. We don't stand, basically. The Texas teams in our conference are looking to greener pastures too and there's a good chance that ISU could be out of a conference all together by the time all is said and done. Texas teams are expected to make an announcement later this week regarding their decision. So we'll see how everything pans out with them. If they do leave though there will only be about 5 teams left in the Big 12. So, clearly, we'll no longer be 12. And if I understand correctly, we won't be an eligible conference for BCS championship games.

What does that all mean for Iowa State?

In short, we're going to lose a lot of money. Without being a BCS school we'll likely lose a lot of the excitement from fans without the prospect of post season play. Granted, Cyclone fans are dedicated and that could be a completely wrong judgement, but we definitely will lose some of our fan base. Sports are all about hype, and we just might not have that hype anymore. Leading to less income coming in from ticket sales. And we will definitely not be getting the amount of money we were from the Big 12. Which means tuition will likely go up. And surprise, Iowa State will start cutting programs. The athletic training program will definitely suffer.

It's just sad. All of this has to do with money.

I hate money. And I will be so sad if these amazing Cyclones don't have a home come 2012.

"Laugh as we always laughed, at the little jokes we shared together, Play, Smile, Think of me, Pray for me" --Henry Scott Holland

Tomorrow will be six months since I lost my Grandpa. One of my best friends. I didn't quite know how fast it snuck up. 6 months without him. 6 months without his smile, without his jokes, without his picking on me, without his hugs. Booooy oh boy, would I love a Grandpa hug.

I remember vividly the last time I saw him. Not the person I saw after I rushed home when my Mom called to tell me I needed to be there. That wasn't him. That was not Grandpa. No, the time I saw him as I left after Thanksgiving break. He told me he loved me, gave me a Grandpa hug I hadn't had in so long, handed me a $100 bill like he always did and said he hoped he would be there when I was back in a couple of weeks for Christmas. The image of him walking away crying is one of the last memories I have of him. Every night since he passed away that's the image that plays in my mind. I can't shake it and I wish I could.

I didn't expect this post to be so sad. I wanted to simply acknowledge that it's been six months since I lost him and move on. But I can't. Because it doesn't seem like 6 months. In a way, it does. Christmas and New Years came and went. My birthday came and went. The snow is gone and the slush has dried up and opened to warm weather and blue skies with the end of another semester. But in every other way the pain, the broken heart, is still just as fresh as it was the days following losing him. The pain is indescribable. There are no words to try and convey the emotion I felt. I was more than sad, I was more than heartbroken. Whatever that pain is, it is still with me, but better tamed, if that makes sense.

I miss him and the talks and the laughter and the vacations with him. My entire family does. But at the same time, I love what losing him did to my family. I don't mean that in any kind of bad way at all, and I know my entire family knows what I'm talking about. After we lost him we spent so much time together. They are some of my best friends and there is no way any of us could have gotten through such a hard time without each other. We were inseparable for 4 weeks and it was the hardest thing in the world for me to come back to Ames after Christmas break and leave everyone.

It has gotten easier. It has not gotten better. But easier. I can think back to memories of him and smile instead of cry. Sometimes. I can look at a full moon and think of him looking down on me rather than thinking that I will never see another full moon with him. I can look at his goofy pictures and smile at his silliness, but that's another "sometimes" I can do that. He's forever with me and even if I can't see him, I know he's with me. In every penny I find on the ground and every full moon. God, I can't tell you how I look forward to full moons. It's almost as though it's one night that I still get to spend with him, as silly as that sounds.

He is one of the most influential people in my life and I think of him every single day. Never is an awfully long time, and I'd like to think that that word doesn't apply to how long it will be until I see him again.

"Death is nothing at all
I have only slipped away into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other
That, we still are

Call me by my old familiar name
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used
Put no difference in your tone
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow

Laugh as we always laughed
At the little jokes we shared together
Play, Smile, Think of me, Pray for me,
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was
Let it be spoken without effort
Without the ghost of a shadow in it

Life means all that it ever meant
It is the same that it ever was
There is absolute unbroken continuity
Why should I be out of mind?
Because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you
For an interval
Somewhere. Very near.
Just around the corner.

All is well

"Death Is Nothing At All" --Henry Scott Holland

“Sometimes you have to stand alone to prove that you can still stand.” - Anonymous

The past year or so has left me with more wedding invitations and baby announcements than I care to admit to. Mostly because I hate thinking of becoming an "A word".** I've also spent time consoling friends with break ups. It's the usual, I think, that happens around this time in a young "A Word" 's life. If you're in a relationship with someone you spend your time trying to figure out whether you want to spend the rest of your life with that person. If the answer is yes- here comes the wedding and the baby carriage. If the answer is no- well, good luck to both parties involved.

I guess what I don't understand, though, is why so fast? You have the rest of your life to spend with one person. Yes, yes, I know, "but you never know what tomorrow will bring. What if you die?" Forgive me for being slightly optimistic that I will live past 30. And trust me, I've seen my fair share of that tomorrow never coming. It's just that in the majority of cases you will live to be old enough to become BFF's with your neighbor in the nursing home. At least, that's what I hope for all of you.

So what's the hurry? Why are you so eager to get married and settle down so soon? We're all young and have so much ahead of us. We have all the time in the world to sit with one other person. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, and I'm sure I'll get some backlash for this whole post, but getting married when there are literally thousands of people that you will meet (unless you're a hermit) in the next 10 years. That's thousands of potential soulmates. That alone makes me smile. So many people to meet and you never know when "that" person is going to come along. Get out and explore!

Another aspect that has happened within the last couple of years is friends who have drifted from their long term boyfriends or girlfriends and immediately jumped into another relationship. I have friends and acquaintances that I have never been able to say their name without adding "and __insert boyfriend or girlfriend's name here__." I've spent a lot of time single. More time than I care to go into. But I'm okay with it. I didn't used to be because I saw so many people with significant others that I felt like I was missing out. But as I grow up (ew) I realize that it made me who I am. I know myself better than 85% of the people I know. So many rely on another person to make them who they are that the minute their significant other isn't in the picture they go into meltdown mode. I think everyone needs to take some time to be single. Just you. Alone. Yes, alone. Lonely. One. You will learn more about yourself than you ever cared to think to know. And you know what? It's good for you.

For instance, if I had a boyfriend, how would I be able to move across the country to Colorado for an internship for 6 months? Something that I truly WANT to do and will make me SO happy. How do you explain that? "Yep, sorry, Imma be gone for 6 months... you can come visit though...."

Yes, I know that in some cases it works out. But again I bring you back to... YOU MEET SO MANY PEOPLE. So many people in this world to meet every single day and only being 23 and settling down with one other person limits experiences in so many ways. And above all... I get to go out and not have to worry who I have to answer to in the morning. That's pretty awesome.

I'm sure there will be backlash for this post. But it's been on my mind as I get wedding invitation after wedding invitation in the mail and log onto Facebook to see ".... is engaged to ...". It's not that I'm not happy for those who are getting married. I am. I am truly happy for each and every one of you. For me, though, I'll wait until I'm in my 30's. I've got a whole lot of living to do and a whole lot of places I want to go and people I want to see... when the time comes, maybe I'll settle down. Until then I'll spend my time living out the dreams I have that can't be share simultaneously with someone else without there being repercussions.




**For those who don't know me, the "A word" is Adult. AKA sucktastickness. And that's a word. Look it up.

Rocky Mountain High

So last night I was thinking (again) to myself. I thought "self, you only have another 6 months to live in the midwest because you have to, where are you going to live after that?" and you know what self said afterwards? "Clearly the mountains or a beach."

I've been doing research on different ways to work in the mountains. Yes, IN the mountains. None of this Denver bullshit. Sure, Denver is nice. But the thought of looking at mountains and knowing I'm not actually there would make me too sad every day. But it's really hard to find a good PR firm/boutique in the mountains, as I'm sure you can imagine. So I started looking into my options in working for a resort. I stumbled upon the Vail College Program.

On the surface it looks a lot like the Disney College Program. A bunch of college kids who either want to live out there childhood dream of living in Disney World (nothing wrong with that, because I was totes accepted to be in the DCP, but had to decline) or a bunch of college kids who want to do nothing but live in the mountains like John fucking Denver. I'm choosing the latter on this one. I have some reservations about it, though. Like I said, it's a lot like DCP. DCP can either REALLY help you or it can just be a way to get away from everything and live in a fairytale place for 6 months while working a minimum wage job. That's like the Vail program. There's a lot of internships that are offered, but there are also a LOT LOT LOT of minimum wage jobs offered too like serving.

But then I really got to thinking again. How bad would it be to spend a semester in the mountains and living the dream? And you know what I thought after that? Not bad at all.

So I took it upon myself to apply last night. I filled out the obnoxiously long application and told them all about how awesome I am. I uploaded my resume and as of 10 this morning I got an email back saying they had reviewed both and I had passed the first round of screening. Now, I don't know how hard it is to get through the first round of screening, but we'll see. They said they start really recruiting in July, so I should be expecting to make an appointment for a phone interview within the next 2-3 weeks.

So there's that. Now I'm just going to go back to my mediocre life in Iowa.

College is for pussies! --Accepted

Sometimes I spend my time thinking. Who doesn't? I think about how much I loathe the whole idea of college. That's a topic that's been on my mind quite a bit lately. It's not that I hate the atmosphere of college. Who could hate that? You live with your best friends, you spend your time floating down a river and drinking, and you live within a block of bars. It's a pretty legit lifestyle. So, no, I am not talking about the college atmosphere. Football games are awesome and I love me some nights that consist of nothing but junk food and video games on N64.

It's college. The fact that I have to take classes like American History since 1864. And I have to pay for that class. How does that class fit into my Public Relations major? Sure, maybe sometime I'll randomly need some facts about America from 1864 for a campaign, but the likelihood of that happening? Not much. It bothers me that as I signed up for my last semester of classes I was in a frenzied panic because I needed ONE MORE HOUR of a 300+ level class. Seriously? You're not going to let me graduate because I need AN HOUR of a 300+ level class? So here I am in summer classes for that reason. I have to take a Women's Studies 301 to satisfy that ridiculous requirement. Which then allows Iowa State to suck up all of my money. Not that they haven't already, but that's besides the point. The point is: College is a scam. And now a college degree is worth just about as much as a high school diploma was back in the day. It's pretty much useless unless you know the right people.

That's another thing: why try in college when all you really need is a connection in the real world? Once you land your first job they quit asking about college experience. They end up asking about work experience. So what, exactly, is my motivation to spend all of my time studying and not have a social life? Granted, there are people who truly need to spend all of their time studying (doctors, please disregard this rant), but honestly, Public Relations? I feel like part of my major IS to be social.

Good riddance.

Blogging?

I've done blogging in the past. In fact, I have one that I still update on a personal level. To vent. To make myself feel better when things go awry, but I thought it would be fun to have a mixture of a blog. A little of this, and a little of that. Something that I can discuss a topic and get some feedback, if people would like. (I would like it, so you should do that.)

The only problem is I still don't know how I want to approach this. I'm thinking topics that are happening in my life. And giving helpful tips. I've always wanted to create a blog for giving organizational tips. Hence the "organized chaos" title of this blog. Maybe that's where I'll start. I'll start with my personal organized chaos while I ponder how exactly to approach this new blog.

My organized chaos consists of a part time job, taking care of a wee little puppy, Max (that's him in the picture. How CUTE is he?!), keeping an apartment clean, staying organized because so many moves take place these years of my life, looking for internships, classes and homework, Colleges Against Cancer, researching PR firms and non-profit organizations for potential jobs, and working some play time into that as well. Look at that list. That's a whole lot of potential for discussions. So we'll see where this blog takes me.

For right now, though, I think I'll go rub some aloe on my sunburn from tubing down the ever lovely Skunk River all weekend. And when I say lovely, I don't mean that. But it's Ames, Iowa in the summer. You do what you have to. :)