Change

“Even though we've changed and we're all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we're not all still friends.”

Generally when I go home it's a whirlwind of a time trying to see each and every one of my friends. There's only so many lunches and dinners and funds to support those meetings to go around. Things are changing though. My best friends are leaving and moving onto bigger and better things. Ang moved to Colorado. Shannon moved to Cali. Crystal and Alex are in Florida. Kate is in Arizona. Jacob is in DC. Katie and Teri moved to Colorado. Ronnie moved to Nebraska and potentially Montana in May. Danny is moving to Colorado at the beginning of the year. Excuse me for the explicitness of this, but, what the FUCK?

First off, let's be serious. PISSED that Ang, Danny, Katie AND Teri are making it to Colorado before me. That's been my dream for the past couple of years and I still haven't made it happen. How rude. Second, I'm truly happy for every one of them. All of these moves are for such great opportunities for all of them. But let's get real- I'm so sad. Yes, I'm moving around the country too, but I don't like that everyone else got that idea in their head too. Knock it off kids. Think about your selfish friend, Nicky, who wants you to be able to fit in my pocket and come with me everywhere I go. With you getting your heads all filled with western dreams- It makes it difficult to scoop you all up in Chillicothe and slip you in my back pocket. NOT A FAN. You're making this difficult.

So, I guess what all of the above tells me is that I need to make it out west. Because 99% of the people that are moving/have moved are taking up residency out there. I guess the good news is that when/if I decide to take a massive road trip after I graduate I'll never have to worry about paying for a hotel room. Because I'm going to be shacking like nobody's business. And I know I'm missing people that have moved. I have friends/family in: Illinois Indiana, Iowa, Nebraska, North Carolina, Texas, Florida, Colorado, New Mexico, Arizona, California, Oregon, South Dakota, Minnesota, Tennessee, New Hampshire.. and I know I'm forgetting some.

I mean, come ON guys. At least stay in the same area/time zone. I don't even have a credit card with frequent flyer miles, but it's looking like I need to invest in one. Maybe then I won't be QUITE as frustrated. Also, all of you get skype. Kapeesh?

In other news- I'm headed to Tennessee tomorrow. I have an interview with St. Jude on Wednesday. No big deal. SIKE. I'm so excited I could pee.

"The size of your success is measured by the strength of your desire; the size of your dream; and how you handle disappointment along the way"

--Robert Kiyosaki

I didn't get the Disney internship. I'm disappointed. Disappointed that I didn't get it. Disappointed that I won't get the experience. Disappointed that I wasn't good enough. Most of all I'm disappointed that when I got the e-mail I thought, "That doesn't surprise me."

I've never had a lot of self esteem. Mostly about my appearance. My personality, however, I'm proud of. For some reason it really bothers me that I can't seem to shake the nagging thought that I'm not surprised I didn't get the Disney internship. Why don't I think I'm good enough? Why COULDN'T I work there? What did all the other applicants have that I didn't?

I had an interview again with Vail Resort but it turned out to be a wash. They didn't have any internships open for PR or really anything like it. I didn't even get offered an interview for the Maui Jim internship I applied for. All of these rejections are making me think I'm not good enough. There's been very few jobs I've applied for and haven't gotten. I do have a good personality and I know that. I've been told a lot that I interview really well. So why can't I get these internships?

My last internship before I decide to look for places at home is St. Jude. Honestly, if I don't even get an interview with St. Jude I'll be crushed. I don't know what I'll do. It will be such a huge blow to my confidence. The only thing that kept me from being beyond disappointed that I didn't get the Disney internship is that I had finally decided that St. Jude is where my heart is. Crushed. That's all I can say if I don't get it.

So now I wait. I've applied for a PR internship with Red Cross at home but haven't heard anything else. I'm going to look at other places as well.

Can someone just hand me one?

"To lead people, walk beside them.. as for the best leaders, the people do not notice their existence." --Lao Tzu

So I had an old blog. And sometimes I posted some interesting things on there. Recently I've been asked a lot about leadership. Come to find out... that's what employers want to know. So I write about it in my cover letters. I explain it in interviews. And then I re-evaluate my answers in my head. I wrote something in the midst of my Colleges Against Cancer experience as a President. Truly, one of the most educational experiences I've ever had in my life. No class could ever teach me what I learned leading CAC. The backstabbing, the laziness, the amazing people I worked with, the learning experiences... definitely priceless and probably the most educational aspect of my entire time at Iowa State.

So here's an excerpt from my old blog. It's exactly how I feel leadership should be.

"Leadership." It's an interesting topic. Something so many people are scared to try and many others have a natural knack for it. My leadership skills have been tested to the brim in the past few months. I took the president position with Colleges Against Cancer with a lot of doubt in myself. I was worried I'd disappoint people or I wouldn't have the right attitude. I was partly right. I didn't have the right attitude about myself. Leading people is one of the toughest jobs there is, I'm sure of that now. Balancing friendship with sternness is a fine line. A fine line that you dance on constantly. As annoyed as I may get with some people's work ethic, I must take a step back and really look at how I'm going to handle the situation. That alone has helped me in not just my leadership skills, but also in my personal life. It's taught me that no matter how fuming I may be at a point in time, I need to step back and just breathe. But what it is a good leader? I feel like that question gets asked in interviews a lot. How do you answer that? A leader is such a different person in various situations. A level head is for sure a characteristic that each leader needs to possess. But what else? Do they need to look the part? I'm sure that doesn't hurt anything. Do they need to be extremely stern in order to get people to do things? I don't think so. I think being a good leader is understanding that each person you meet is different. A good leader molds their leadership to each individual they work with. That way they don't have a solid platform that they expect to work for each individual person. We're all unique, we've been told that since we were kids. So why wouldn't a good leader mold themselves to each person's uniqueness. A good leader needs to be able to make decisions too. I've never been good with that, but I'm learning. I'm learning to look at all sides of the situation and assess the potential risks and benefits of the decision I'll be making. Once again, it's helped me in my personal and professional life.

I never expected taking the position in CAC would have such a drastic affect on me in so many ways. I've never done anything in my life before that has taught me as much as this has. Real world, look out. Nicky's coming!

"Time has a way of demonstrating that the most stubborn are the most intelligent" -- Yevgeny Yevtushenko

I'm a stubborn ass. I'll admit it and I'll own up to it. The more people say, "Yeah, I give you 3 days without Facebook" the more I don't want to get back on. Tell me I can't do something and I'll break my back proving you wrong. The more I succumb to my own thoughts the more I prove that stupid prodding thought wrong. As insignificant as it is.

I gave up soda. That might seem like a very silly accomplishment to be proud of and if that's the case we are clearly not as close as you'd like to believe. I'm the person who wakes up and reaches for a Diet Coke. I hop in my car with my keys, cell phone, wallet and a Diet Coke. I sip soda throughout my shift at work without blinking. And so one day... I decided I wasn't going to do that anymore. More of a personal challenge than anything. And then people told me I couldn't do it. And here we are. I imagine this is a less extreme version of what smokers feel like when they kick the habit.

I also gave up Facebook for awhile. I was tired of my relationships relying on the Internet. What happened to people calling or texting to ask how you are? Why do you have to ask to hang out with me on Facebook? I'm guilty of the previous grievances as well and that's why I stopped. It was so nice tonight to talk to a friend and get immediate responses and feel like we were actually speaking rather than having a conversation the whole world could see. It's more intimate and I miss that. I miss the privacy of being able to say whatever I wanted to a friend. I was also tired of everything being about Facebook. "Well, I wrote on your wall." "I invited you to the event!" "Did you see the picture I tagged?" I miss getting emails with pictures. I miss getting a phone call to hang out. Like I said, I'm guilty of all of that. And I will admit... it's convenient. But this is my experiment to let myself know that there is a life outside of Facebook. That my relationships can absolutely rely on the telephone and face-to-face interaction. This is all coming from the self-proclaimed Facebook addict. I'll admit it and I'm sure everyone will agree. I'm fine with that. However, once again, the more people tell me I can't do it... the less I want to go back. What was the point anyway? To share my picture? To keep in touch with the people who wrote on my wall on my birthday because Facebook told them so?

Most of the people that wrote on my wall I already talked to on a semi-regular basis. Why did I need Facebook as another medium to talk to them? We already talked enough as it was. I will say that I do miss seeing what others were up to. People who I used to be close with but am not anymore because life has taken us in different directions. Those are the reasons I will get back on Facebook. To see wedding pictures of the friends whose wedding I can't attend. To see my friends' kids grow up. Facebook, I'll hand it to you... you've got me by the balls on those aspects. Touche. So I'll go back eventually. But for now... I need a break. I'm still trying to figure out what my motivation should be to reactivate my account...

But... I'm stubborn.

“To love what you do and feel that it matters–how could anything be more fun?” ~Katherine Graham

It's been awhile since I've had a real post. I know all 2 of you that read this have been sitting on the edge of your seat refreshing my blog to read more. RIght? Don't deny it.

So, where were we? Oh. Yes. I have a solid 2 months until I'm done with college classes. But who's counting? That'd be me. So. 2 months.

In those 2 months I need to find an internship. Let's recap. Back in June/July I was offered the chance to work for Vail Resorts in Colorado. Beyond the best internship in the entire world, at least I like to tell myself. And then ISU stepped in and said, "ohhhhhhh NO. Think again." And they gave my internship high a complete burnout. Rude. So, I was back to square one. Which is nowhere, really. That led me to basically look into every possible internship out there. I stumbled on Disney Professional Internships and submitted my resume and cover letter. A little glimpse at my cover letter: "please please please please hire me I will do whatever you ask of me short of, well, nothing." Seriously. As I was writing it I just wanted to beg them to hire me. But I refrained and attempted to, eloquently, explain to them why I'm so awesome.

Flash forward: I had an interview with Disney and I think it went really well. I, once again, told them in the best manner possible why I'm awesome and avoided when they asked me why I wanted to work for Disney saying "uhh... DUH. Why WOULDN'T I?" and put my answer in the form of PR. That was early September. As you can tell by the date you're reading this... it is much later than September now. In fact, it's October. When will I know about this internship? Ohhh, maybe mid November to early December. Oy vey.

In other news, I also applied for an internship with St. Jude Children's Hospital in Memphis. It's for the volunteer services and I would be interacting with volunteers as well as patients and their families. Basically my dream job (besides Disney, they're sort of tied.) I applied for that with my resume, cover letter (don't worry, I once again had to avoid begging and explaining my undying infatuation with all that is St. Jude) and the most amazing letter of recommendation from the best staff partner at ACS ever, Amanda. With those three things I'm hoping I can at least land an interview. I won't know about that until, wait for it, mid November.

Background on myself: This is all you need to know- I'm THE most impatient person that has ever stepped foot on this planet. I'm an instant gratification kind of person. So, as I'm sure you can imagine, waiting MONTHS to hear about internships that I so badly want is basically killing me.

However, this is what I want to do. These two internships are, quite frankly, what I have worked for 23 years to accomplish. What I have worked up to for so long. I want to make people happy and I want to help people. Truthfully, I'm having difficulties deciding which of the two I want more. I've wanted to work for Disney for so many years and I want to help at St. Jude like something fierce. If I were to get offered either one it would seriously be a dream come true. All of this paragraph is coming off so cheesy, but it's because I'm so passionate about it. There are literally no words to use to explain how badly I want these positions. Almost as bad as I wish they were both stationed in Colorado.

I'm all done writing for now. I gave up Facebook so I'm going to try and keep everyone up to date on here. I have a couple of other topics I want to talk about in my head so hopefully I'll be updating again soon. Oh, I also gave up soda. It's been a productive week.

“Go now and live. Experience. Dream. Risk. Close your eyes and jump. Enjoy the freefall. Choose exhilaration over comfort. Choose magic over predictability. Choose potential over safety. Wake up to the magic of everyday life. Make friends with your intuition. Trust your gut. Discover the beauty of uncertainty. Know yourself fully before you make promises to another. Make millions of mistakes so that you will know how to choose what you really need. Know when to hold on and when to let go. Love hard and often and without reservation. Seek knowledge. Open yourself to possibility. Keep your heart open, your head high and your spirit free. Embrace your darkness along with your light. Be wrong every once in a while, and don’t be afraid to admit it. Awaken to the brilliance in ordinary moments. Tell the truth about yourself no matter what the cost. Own your reality without apology. See goodness in the world. Be bold. Be fierce. Be grateful. Be wild, crazy, and gloriously free. Be you. Go now, and live.” ~Jeanette Leblanc

“Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I assure you, it's much more serious than that.” --Bill Shankly

I. Love. Football.

The crisp smell of an autumn morning while the campus is buzzing with students who can barely get up for an 8 am class but are more than willing to wake up at 4:45 am to get a good spot in the student lots. Mimosas in the morning, beer in the afternoon. An excuse to wear every piece of cardinal and gold clothing you own regardless of how it looks as you wear it. Game days at Iowa State are something I'll miss the most about college. Granted, Cyclones sometimes don't have the greatest overall stats, but the heart that goes in to every game is envied. I love college football. I love that these guys are just like me and go to classes and on the weekends are the reason 85% of the population of Ames wakes up on a Saturday morning. Of course, I love my Bears as well. But that's a whole different topic. (PS- sorry Detroit, you definitely got the shaft on that last call tonight.)

Yes, in my mind, football season IS the most wonderful time of the year.


(To the tune of "it's the most wonderful time of the year")
It's the most wonderful time of the year
With the leaves all a-falling
And everyone telling you "Football is HERE!"
It's the most wonderful time of the year
It's the hap-happiest season of all
With those tailgating parties and the morning bacardies
While the other team fumbles the ball
It's the hap-happiest season of all

There'll be parties for hosting
Teams all boasting
And Jayhawks left in the cold
There'll be victory stories
And tales of the glory
Of Cyclones headed to a bowl

It's the most wonderful time of the year
There'll be much trash talk going
While Cyclones are showing
Why fans all cheer
It's the most wonderful time of the year
--By yours truly :)

“After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, and you learn that love doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t mean security, and you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises, and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child, and you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure… that you really are strong, and you really do have worth.” ~Veronica A. Shoffstall

"How much life must I miss here, before the road gets clear, my mind just starts to wonder, about me" --I Can Make A Mess Like Nobody's Business

I'm frustrated lately. That's all there is to it.

It's my final semester of classes and all I have is an internship left in the spring and then I'll be a college graduate. Weird.

The issue that I'm having is that it seems that there's a road block in every direction I try to go. Vail didn't work out. Iowa State said that it wasn't "PR enough" of an internship. Awesome, right? Now I'm in the line up for the Vail College Program but most of the positions offered with that are similar to the one I already tried to get approved and obviously that failed miserably.

I applied for a Disney professional internship in Florida, but I have doubts that I'll get it. Had I completed the college program when I was offered it by the company I would have a better shot. St Jude still hasn't posted that they're accepting applications for spring. I'm a little stuck. I feel like I'm simply going through the motions.

I like to have a plan. I like to know what I'm doing and what lies ahead. This point in my life is the exact opposite of what I feel comfortable with. This is fine and I can usually roll with the punches, but damn... to not even know where I'll be 3 months from now is kind of insane. It makes me anxious.

I guess I just feel a little numb lately. Issues have arisen with money, with school and my personal life and nothing really seems to phase me. These aren't small issues either. We're talking my loans for school were all out of whack for awhile. I was placed on academic probation (I'm still not exactly sure why) and personally, well, that stuff is personal. And none of it has phased me. Nothing has really got me riled up or really caring about something.

Is that a good thing?

Last first day of school

I'm done with classes in December. This is my last first day of school.. ever. There really isn't anything else to post about that. It's awesome. And I'm so ridiculously excited that I might actually have the courage to wake up at 8 AM for my required Communication Law class on MWF.

“You have four years to be irresponsible here. Relax. Work is for people with jobs. You'll never remember class time, but you'll remember time you wasted hanging out with your friends. So, stay out late. Go out on a Tuesday with your friends when you have a paper due Wednesday. Spend money you don't have. Drink 'til sunrise. The work never ends, but college does..."
--Tom Petty

"Without you here, don't know what to do, I'd give anything just to talk to you, Oh, it breaks my heart" --Caitlin and Will

Warning: This will likely be a sad post.

Have you ever lost someone? I'm sure that answer is yes for most. There's days that I'm okay, and then there's days that the heartbreak is so fresh it feels like it just happened. I think of the simple fact that I won't see him again. For a really, really, really long time. It's indescribable, the pain that comes over me. The immediate jab of realization. There's so much going on in my life and I always got to talk to him about it. I always got to hear how proud of me he was when things were going well and his encouragement when things weren't. With everything happening with my potential internship in Vail.. I want to tell him everything so bad. He would be so excited for me. He'd talk about visiting me with Grandma.

Why did all of this spring up today? I called my Grandma to talk. Her phone was off and her voicemail came on right away. Silly reason, right? Except that Grandma cancelled her phone and uses Grandpa's old one. So the voicemail that greeted me was, "Hi, this is Bill Emhoff." Ever since he's been gone I hang up the phone before it gets to voicemail. There hasn't been once that I've called and not had time to prepare for his voice coming over the phone. It caught me off guard and took my breath away.

Today is a hard day. Sometimes it just happens. I think, in a way, it gets harder as time goes on. I'm sure there will be a point when it's not hard to see his picture and I'll want to call and hear his voice, but it's hard getting to that point. It makes it hard to breathe and hard to think.

There is absolutely no words to describe heartbreak. It eats at you and leaves you speechless. You want to scream how bad it hurts, but it leaves you with no words or breath in your system. There is so much inside of me that I wish I could express about how I feel right now, but nothing will ever compare.

Absolutely no words.

However, this song does a great job of capturing it. As I warned, this post is sad and this song is no different, but the lyrics are amazing and capture feelings that are so hard to describe in such a meaningful way. Check it out.

"No address in the stars" --Caitlin and Will


This one is also one of the most intense songs I've ever heard. Ace Enders is one of the best musicians (in my humble opinion) that has come around and I don't think he gets enough credit.

"So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one. Happiness is a journey, NOT a destination" --Alfred D'Souza

There's a reason this is tattooed on my foot. Sometimes I need a gentle reminder that I am on a journey, not on a one way, smooth, straight road towards my inevitable passing. I'm on a road that runs through the mountains with rock slides, highs and lows, dangerous curves, and roads so narrow you feel you could fall right off the edge. But the scenery among it all, is worth it. Because there's times you can see the thick snow flakes fall gently and quietly onto the ground around you in the winter and catch a glimpse of the glimmering lake below you that's formed from the melting snow in the summer. Yes, I'll refer my life's journey to a road in the Rockies.

Lately I've had a little more of the overcast days with a little glimmer of sun that makes you think it will be an okay day, but only for a little while, and then the sun goes away. That's how I'll describe it. Nothing major. No health problems, except for the occasional ankle annoyance. I have a place to live. (ish... working on the fall.) And I'm able to feed myself. I have an abundance of the things that I need to survive. It's just small little things. Like someone you haven't talked to in years who randomly comes back into your life. A weird moment with someone who has been in your life for a long time. And money that seems to disappear as soon as it comes. So yes, an overcast day with occasional breaks in the clouds.

I decided to not be really personal in this blog. To not "out" my personal instances to the general public. So most of this will be vague. Mostly just a background story to get my point across.

People from my past have been sprouting up like red roses on Valentine's Day. Seriously. And out of nowhere. And it's like nothing has changed. But it has. Grown up and definitely in it for different things, but I'm still amazed at how random and how it has actually been nice to catch up. And not just one person, but many. It's always so strange talking to someone(s) that you thought were out of your life for good, don't you agree?

And weird moments. Have you ever had that moment with someone you've known for a long time of the opposite sex and think "whoa..." Weird, right? That's all I can describe it as. And my reaction was "uh..." Fitting, I think.

And money. Ugh. My shifts have been cut (and by cut I mean I went from working nearly every day to barely getting 3). What this means is my bills are piling up and the money to pay them isn't doing the same. Why does it seem that everything needs to be paid all at once? Sticker registration for my car, security deposit for my apartment in the fall, cell phone payment, credit card payment, parking tickets, books for school, school in general. How, exactly, is a student supposed to pay for all of that? Obama, you better be doing WORK in the White House to help out future students, because Lord knows we need it and apparently society hasn't gotten the memo.

It all comes down to looking at my foot, as weird as that sounds, and remembering the entire phrase that inspired a permanent ink blotch on my foot. Because in the grand scheme of things, this is just another bump in my Rocky Mountain road of happiness.

For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin -- real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. This perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one. HAPPINESS IS A JOURNEY, not a destination
--Alfred D'Souza

"A good friend is a connection to life - a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world" --Lois Wyse

I'm having a nostalgic kind of night. I blame it all on Megan. (http://drunkandtextual.blogspot.com/2010/06/what-happened-to-wonder-years.html) That wee little blog got me in all sorts of a tizzy. As if the quote she's talking about didn't already get me thinking about high school/the past few years following graduation, I decided to read her post, and then I decided to look at pictures from high school and the beginning years of college. It's so crazy to see the progression of people who were constantly in every single picture.. slowly fade out. It's sad. It makes me sad. But it happens. I keep telling myself that. It happens. Life happens. College happens. Distance happens. But why do these reasons have to affect how we keep in touch with each other? Recently I decided I wasn't going to let that happen with a couple of my closest girlfriends. I miss them. They know who they are and I hope they know how sincere I am when I say how much I truly do miss you.

More than those who disappear throughout the pictures is to see who is constantly there. Who's been there consistently through grade school, high school, and college. And I can't begin to explain how much of a blessing that is in every sense of the word. My college friends are great, but it's all of you that I turn to when something happens. These friends know me inside and out and when I'm upset about something, they know exactly why and when to just shut up and let me complain and when to tell me to get over it. I can't imagine where I would be without all of them that are consistently in every picture. Because they're also consistently on my mind.

My friends are my absolute rock. And I can't put into words how it feels to have some of the best people surrounding me at all times. I think that's how life is though. The most intense emotions can't be put into words easily. "I love you" or "thank you" or "my heart is broken" doesn't cover it. Those are some emotions that I think every living being should feel at least once in their life. I believe that being in love doesn't just mean with your significant other. I'm in love with every one of my friends. I can't explain what that means, and I think that's okay. Because I think that's what "love" is supposed to be. I don't think you're supposed to be able to explain it. And I don't think it's fair to try and make someone explain that. Love is every single moment, every single laugh, every single tear, every single stupid comment, every night that's spent not talking but being together. That's love. And that doesn't need to be between you and your significant other. I think that's why I'm so content being single. Because I have those moments with so many people. And you know what? I wouldn't have it any other way. Even on nights like tonight when I cave and admit I would love to be snuggled up to someone writing this post. Don't get me wrong, Max is a pretty good cuddler, but he's pretty content chewing his bone beneath my feet right now.

So yes, I admit. Having someone to cuddle up to would be nice. But I'm happy being in love with all of you. Because if I had to imagine my dream man... he would have qualities out of every single one of you. And I'm okay with that.

Yep, I'm okay with all of it.

Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies. Gene Hill

Max is such a little shit. I'll say it. That little ball of fur has wreaked havoc all over my Grandma's house. Potty pads? Not for him. Outside? Yeah right. If I place him directly on the potty pad and say, "go potty" he looks at me, sits down, and does nothing more. This persists for about 15 minutes. I finally give up. And right when I let him get off the potty pad, he squats 6 inches from the area. SERIOUSLY? He is fairly good in my apartment about doing this. But WOW, I come home and this is what I get? Geez.

Also, I chopped my hair off. And the color is awful. I know it doesn't seem like a big deal, but my hair is a big deal. I love my hair. I always change it. And I think it put its sassy pants on and said, "no more."

That's really all I have. I'm still in Illinois and listening to the thunder rumbling outside. Tornado watches and warnings all over the place. Yeesh! Time to go look at all the cool clouds.

Oh we will fight fight fight for Iowa State and may her colors ever fly!

So by now, if you're in college and live anywhere near schools in the Big 10 or Big 12, you've heard of the conference realignment. In short, for those who aren't up to date, Colorado left the Big 12. Not a huge loss to our conference, but sad nonetheless. Then Nebraska followed suit and left for the Big 10.

I don't know why this is so interesting/upsetting to me. It makes me so sad that the major reason behind both of these teams leaving the conference is largely to do with money. Nebraska is going to get a much bigger stipend from the Big 10 because of their television contract.

Where does Iowa State stand in the midst of all of this? Well. We don't stand, basically. The Texas teams in our conference are looking to greener pastures too and there's a good chance that ISU could be out of a conference all together by the time all is said and done. Texas teams are expected to make an announcement later this week regarding their decision. So we'll see how everything pans out with them. If they do leave though there will only be about 5 teams left in the Big 12. So, clearly, we'll no longer be 12. And if I understand correctly, we won't be an eligible conference for BCS championship games.

What does that all mean for Iowa State?

In short, we're going to lose a lot of money. Without being a BCS school we'll likely lose a lot of the excitement from fans without the prospect of post season play. Granted, Cyclone fans are dedicated and that could be a completely wrong judgement, but we definitely will lose some of our fan base. Sports are all about hype, and we just might not have that hype anymore. Leading to less income coming in from ticket sales. And we will definitely not be getting the amount of money we were from the Big 12. Which means tuition will likely go up. And surprise, Iowa State will start cutting programs. The athletic training program will definitely suffer.

It's just sad. All of this has to do with money.

I hate money. And I will be so sad if these amazing Cyclones don't have a home come 2012.

"Laugh as we always laughed, at the little jokes we shared together, Play, Smile, Think of me, Pray for me" --Henry Scott Holland

Tomorrow will be six months since I lost my Grandpa. One of my best friends. I didn't quite know how fast it snuck up. 6 months without him. 6 months without his smile, without his jokes, without his picking on me, without his hugs. Booooy oh boy, would I love a Grandpa hug.

I remember vividly the last time I saw him. Not the person I saw after I rushed home when my Mom called to tell me I needed to be there. That wasn't him. That was not Grandpa. No, the time I saw him as I left after Thanksgiving break. He told me he loved me, gave me a Grandpa hug I hadn't had in so long, handed me a $100 bill like he always did and said he hoped he would be there when I was back in a couple of weeks for Christmas. The image of him walking away crying is one of the last memories I have of him. Every night since he passed away that's the image that plays in my mind. I can't shake it and I wish I could.

I didn't expect this post to be so sad. I wanted to simply acknowledge that it's been six months since I lost him and move on. But I can't. Because it doesn't seem like 6 months. In a way, it does. Christmas and New Years came and went. My birthday came and went. The snow is gone and the slush has dried up and opened to warm weather and blue skies with the end of another semester. But in every other way the pain, the broken heart, is still just as fresh as it was the days following losing him. The pain is indescribable. There are no words to try and convey the emotion I felt. I was more than sad, I was more than heartbroken. Whatever that pain is, it is still with me, but better tamed, if that makes sense.

I miss him and the talks and the laughter and the vacations with him. My entire family does. But at the same time, I love what losing him did to my family. I don't mean that in any kind of bad way at all, and I know my entire family knows what I'm talking about. After we lost him we spent so much time together. They are some of my best friends and there is no way any of us could have gotten through such a hard time without each other. We were inseparable for 4 weeks and it was the hardest thing in the world for me to come back to Ames after Christmas break and leave everyone.

It has gotten easier. It has not gotten better. But easier. I can think back to memories of him and smile instead of cry. Sometimes. I can look at a full moon and think of him looking down on me rather than thinking that I will never see another full moon with him. I can look at his goofy pictures and smile at his silliness, but that's another "sometimes" I can do that. He's forever with me and even if I can't see him, I know he's with me. In every penny I find on the ground and every full moon. God, I can't tell you how I look forward to full moons. It's almost as though it's one night that I still get to spend with him, as silly as that sounds.

He is one of the most influential people in my life and I think of him every single day. Never is an awfully long time, and I'd like to think that that word doesn't apply to how long it will be until I see him again.

"Death is nothing at all
I have only slipped away into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other
That, we still are

Call me by my old familiar name
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used
Put no difference in your tone
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow

Laugh as we always laughed
At the little jokes we shared together
Play, Smile, Think of me, Pray for me,
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was
Let it be spoken without effort
Without the ghost of a shadow in it

Life means all that it ever meant
It is the same that it ever was
There is absolute unbroken continuity
Why should I be out of mind?
Because I am out of sight?

I am but waiting for you
For an interval
Somewhere. Very near.
Just around the corner.

All is well

"Death Is Nothing At All" --Henry Scott Holland

“Sometimes you have to stand alone to prove that you can still stand.” - Anonymous

The past year or so has left me with more wedding invitations and baby announcements than I care to admit to. Mostly because I hate thinking of becoming an "A word".** I've also spent time consoling friends with break ups. It's the usual, I think, that happens around this time in a young "A Word" 's life. If you're in a relationship with someone you spend your time trying to figure out whether you want to spend the rest of your life with that person. If the answer is yes- here comes the wedding and the baby carriage. If the answer is no- well, good luck to both parties involved.

I guess what I don't understand, though, is why so fast? You have the rest of your life to spend with one person. Yes, yes, I know, "but you never know what tomorrow will bring. What if you die?" Forgive me for being slightly optimistic that I will live past 30. And trust me, I've seen my fair share of that tomorrow never coming. It's just that in the majority of cases you will live to be old enough to become BFF's with your neighbor in the nursing home. At least, that's what I hope for all of you.

So what's the hurry? Why are you so eager to get married and settle down so soon? We're all young and have so much ahead of us. We have all the time in the world to sit with one other person. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, and I'm sure I'll get some backlash for this whole post, but getting married when there are literally thousands of people that you will meet (unless you're a hermit) in the next 10 years. That's thousands of potential soulmates. That alone makes me smile. So many people to meet and you never know when "that" person is going to come along. Get out and explore!

Another aspect that has happened within the last couple of years is friends who have drifted from their long term boyfriends or girlfriends and immediately jumped into another relationship. I have friends and acquaintances that I have never been able to say their name without adding "and __insert boyfriend or girlfriend's name here__." I've spent a lot of time single. More time than I care to go into. But I'm okay with it. I didn't used to be because I saw so many people with significant others that I felt like I was missing out. But as I grow up (ew) I realize that it made me who I am. I know myself better than 85% of the people I know. So many rely on another person to make them who they are that the minute their significant other isn't in the picture they go into meltdown mode. I think everyone needs to take some time to be single. Just you. Alone. Yes, alone. Lonely. One. You will learn more about yourself than you ever cared to think to know. And you know what? It's good for you.

For instance, if I had a boyfriend, how would I be able to move across the country to Colorado for an internship for 6 months? Something that I truly WANT to do and will make me SO happy. How do you explain that? "Yep, sorry, Imma be gone for 6 months... you can come visit though...."

Yes, I know that in some cases it works out. But again I bring you back to... YOU MEET SO MANY PEOPLE. So many people in this world to meet every single day and only being 23 and settling down with one other person limits experiences in so many ways. And above all... I get to go out and not have to worry who I have to answer to in the morning. That's pretty awesome.

I'm sure there will be backlash for this post. But it's been on my mind as I get wedding invitation after wedding invitation in the mail and log onto Facebook to see ".... is engaged to ...". It's not that I'm not happy for those who are getting married. I am. I am truly happy for each and every one of you. For me, though, I'll wait until I'm in my 30's. I've got a whole lot of living to do and a whole lot of places I want to go and people I want to see... when the time comes, maybe I'll settle down. Until then I'll spend my time living out the dreams I have that can't be share simultaneously with someone else without there being repercussions.




**For those who don't know me, the "A word" is Adult. AKA sucktastickness. And that's a word. Look it up.

Rocky Mountain High

So last night I was thinking (again) to myself. I thought "self, you only have another 6 months to live in the midwest because you have to, where are you going to live after that?" and you know what self said afterwards? "Clearly the mountains or a beach."

I've been doing research on different ways to work in the mountains. Yes, IN the mountains. None of this Denver bullshit. Sure, Denver is nice. But the thought of looking at mountains and knowing I'm not actually there would make me too sad every day. But it's really hard to find a good PR firm/boutique in the mountains, as I'm sure you can imagine. So I started looking into my options in working for a resort. I stumbled upon the Vail College Program.

On the surface it looks a lot like the Disney College Program. A bunch of college kids who either want to live out there childhood dream of living in Disney World (nothing wrong with that, because I was totes accepted to be in the DCP, but had to decline) or a bunch of college kids who want to do nothing but live in the mountains like John fucking Denver. I'm choosing the latter on this one. I have some reservations about it, though. Like I said, it's a lot like DCP. DCP can either REALLY help you or it can just be a way to get away from everything and live in a fairytale place for 6 months while working a minimum wage job. That's like the Vail program. There's a lot of internships that are offered, but there are also a LOT LOT LOT of minimum wage jobs offered too like serving.

But then I really got to thinking again. How bad would it be to spend a semester in the mountains and living the dream? And you know what I thought after that? Not bad at all.

So I took it upon myself to apply last night. I filled out the obnoxiously long application and told them all about how awesome I am. I uploaded my resume and as of 10 this morning I got an email back saying they had reviewed both and I had passed the first round of screening. Now, I don't know how hard it is to get through the first round of screening, but we'll see. They said they start really recruiting in July, so I should be expecting to make an appointment for a phone interview within the next 2-3 weeks.

So there's that. Now I'm just going to go back to my mediocre life in Iowa.

College is for pussies! --Accepted

Sometimes I spend my time thinking. Who doesn't? I think about how much I loathe the whole idea of college. That's a topic that's been on my mind quite a bit lately. It's not that I hate the atmosphere of college. Who could hate that? You live with your best friends, you spend your time floating down a river and drinking, and you live within a block of bars. It's a pretty legit lifestyle. So, no, I am not talking about the college atmosphere. Football games are awesome and I love me some nights that consist of nothing but junk food and video games on N64.

It's college. The fact that I have to take classes like American History since 1864. And I have to pay for that class. How does that class fit into my Public Relations major? Sure, maybe sometime I'll randomly need some facts about America from 1864 for a campaign, but the likelihood of that happening? Not much. It bothers me that as I signed up for my last semester of classes I was in a frenzied panic because I needed ONE MORE HOUR of a 300+ level class. Seriously? You're not going to let me graduate because I need AN HOUR of a 300+ level class? So here I am in summer classes for that reason. I have to take a Women's Studies 301 to satisfy that ridiculous requirement. Which then allows Iowa State to suck up all of my money. Not that they haven't already, but that's besides the point. The point is: College is a scam. And now a college degree is worth just about as much as a high school diploma was back in the day. It's pretty much useless unless you know the right people.

That's another thing: why try in college when all you really need is a connection in the real world? Once you land your first job they quit asking about college experience. They end up asking about work experience. So what, exactly, is my motivation to spend all of my time studying and not have a social life? Granted, there are people who truly need to spend all of their time studying (doctors, please disregard this rant), but honestly, Public Relations? I feel like part of my major IS to be social.

Good riddance.

Blogging?

I've done blogging in the past. In fact, I have one that I still update on a personal level. To vent. To make myself feel better when things go awry, but I thought it would be fun to have a mixture of a blog. A little of this, and a little of that. Something that I can discuss a topic and get some feedback, if people would like. (I would like it, so you should do that.)

The only problem is I still don't know how I want to approach this. I'm thinking topics that are happening in my life. And giving helpful tips. I've always wanted to create a blog for giving organizational tips. Hence the "organized chaos" title of this blog. Maybe that's where I'll start. I'll start with my personal organized chaos while I ponder how exactly to approach this new blog.

My organized chaos consists of a part time job, taking care of a wee little puppy, Max (that's him in the picture. How CUTE is he?!), keeping an apartment clean, staying organized because so many moves take place these years of my life, looking for internships, classes and homework, Colleges Against Cancer, researching PR firms and non-profit organizations for potential jobs, and working some play time into that as well. Look at that list. That's a whole lot of potential for discussions. So we'll see where this blog takes me.

For right now, though, I think I'll go rub some aloe on my sunburn from tubing down the ever lovely Skunk River all weekend. And when I say lovely, I don't mean that. But it's Ames, Iowa in the summer. You do what you have to. :)